Always On My Mind
by GoTutorGirl
Summary: He'd give anything to see her again. Take in her scent as he wrapped his arms around her. He wanted to tell her that everything would be okay now, but he knew that he couldn't do that.


**A/N: **This is an NH oneshot made for the girls on the CW boards. All thanks to Ashley for the wonderful song idea. These lyrics fit Nathan and Haley so perfectly in Season five. Also, I wanted the end of the story to be a lot like Nathan and Haley in the episode 5x12.

_"Always On My Mind_."

_"Maybe I didn't love you quite as good as I should have. Maybe I didn't hold you quite as much as I should have. Little things I should've said and done, I just never took the time."_

* * *

"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from."

He would give anything to see her again. To feel her skin against his, to take in her scent as he wrapped his arms around her. He wanted to whisper in her ear that everything would be okay now, and he wanted to tell her that he was so sorry for hurting her the past months. But, he knew that he wouldn't be able to do that.

He replayed what she said over and over in his mind, and he continued to wonder why he didn't think what he thought now... _then_. Why had he not wanted her with him, to hold her and love her during the time where he really needed her the most? Why had he wasted four months of his life just to turn out as a man whose wife and son got up and left him? If only he knew that he would feel this way now, four months ago.

_Haley sat at the foot of the stairs, looking down into the living room where her husband sat. __She wondered how much longer she could take this. Nathan hadn't talked to her in two weeks. But she also knew that the words he last said to her were, "Go to hell." She couldn't take it anymore, and as she stared at her husband watching a basketball game that would just further depress him, Haley wiped a few stray tears that had fallen out of her miserable eyes. _

_She inhaled as she walked slowly into the living room, and Haley tried to hold herself together as she saw the half a dozen empty green beer bottles. How could they possibly go on like this? How could you live a life where the person you thought you loved didn't speak a word to you anymore and acted as if you were invisible? How could someone just sit there, watching the past and wishing they could go back? And how could she not do something about it? How could she just watch as her own husband continued to wither until he couldn't go back to the person he used to be? _

_"Nathan. Turn that off. I need to talk to you." She said to him, trying to keep her voice steady as Haley tried to hide the pain she was feeling in her voice. _

_He didn't move and Haley simply stood there. All the anger and frustration she had felt over the past months enraged her. The moment he turned the volume to the TV louder, it set her off like a bullet in a gun._

_"Dammit, Nathan, turn the fucking game off!" She screamed at him. She knew that she could say whatever she wanted because her son, Jamie, was at Lucas'. Haley wanted him to feel all the emotions and pain she was feeling, because maybe if he did, Nathan would stop acting this way. _

_He was startled by her, but yet he did not turn off the tv. Nathan turned his head slightly, looking into her eyes for only a second. "Stop being a bitch." He threw back at her, not caring at all for what she had to anger inside of Haley was increasing drastically, and she soon knew that she wasn't going to be able to take this any longer._

_Her eyebrows raised as she took in what he was saying, and she stalked off, the heels on her shoes audible once she found the hardwood flooring in the kitchen. "You want to see a bitch?" She screamed from the kitchen. Her hands looked through the drawers, and Nathan wondered what she was going to do next. He rolled his eyes, looking back at the TV. _

_Haley soon found what she what she was looking for. As she passed the fridge, what she saw stopped her. She noticed a picture of all three of them when Jamie was about a year old. They all looked so happy. She wondered if it would ever be like that again. _

_Nathan eyed her suspiciously as she entered the room with a big pair of scissors. "What are you doing?" He asked her, as she came over to the TV with tears of rage in her eyes. His eyes went wide as he watched her cut the cables that were connected to the back of the TV, and he looked back at the screen to find it black. "Haley!" He yelled at her, furious. _

_Her arms were folded and she shook her head furiously. His eyes were focused on her, and Nate knew that she was more than just pissed. Her heavy breathing was the only thing that could be heard that the time. _

_"Are you going to listen to me, now?" Haley asked him, and she tried to look at him, but his long hair covered his eyes. She thought that it might have been purposelly._

_He soon jumped as the beer bottles broke into pieces on the floor after she threw them at him, her body and mind so damn furious. His eyes scared her as she noticed something she hadn't seen in a long time. Concern. But, it wasn't enough for her. The single saddened look wasn't enough, and it sure didn't make up for the hell she and her son had been put through for the last four months._

_"Are you going to say anything, or are you just going to sit there like you have for the past four months? Are you gonna get drunk, maybe pout a little, cry?" She screamed, and he turned to her, looking at her angered expression._

_"You don't get it do you. I used to be somebody, Haley. Do you understand that? Do you understand what that means? I used to be Nathan Scott, and I was great. And I should've walked away, okay, I know that! And I didn't do it! And now I'm nothing! And I have nothing!" He sighed once he finished, and Nathan put his hand to his forehead. Haley just watched him, she noticed sadness in his eyes. _

_Her face was still, and then the tears started to form in her own eyes, "You have nothing?" She asked him, feeling disbelief by the tone in her weak voice. "You have a beautiful son.. who is here! **I** am here!" She yelled at him, the pain in her voice obvious now. Haley was scared that right then and there she was going to break down right in front of him. _

_"You have got to figure out where your going to be in this Nathan, because this version of you does not work for us.." She cried, tears lining the sides of her face. "I can't keep living like this ... okay? One more night like this, and I promise you, you will have **nothing**." Haley told him, her voice aching as she walked off. _

_He soon heard the door slam, and Nathan looked down, dying inside. It shouldn't be like this._

**You were always on my mind. **

It had been a month since he had spoke to her, a month since he had spoken to his son. Everything he had told Haley these past four months he wished he hadn't said. He now knew that he could take nothing back.

_Haley walked out into their backyard, a bag full of garbage in her hand. She looked over at her son, who was making shots in his hoop. She turned her head to her husband, who sat there, aggravated, as he looked at Jamie. _

_"Where did he get the hoop?" Nathan asked, the frustration shown strong in his voice. He couldn't believe that Jamie had gotten hold of the hoop, the sport that made his own life go down hill. He couldn't believe that Jamie was going to be subject to the kind of life that Nathan had had growing up, and he had blamed Dan for all of it. Letting him play, making his entire life revolve around it, just to soon see it in flames when he later lost the privilege to play that game that his life was made of. _

_"His Uncle Lucas gave it to him-" _

_"I don't want him playing." _

_"Nathan, he's four years old. All he wants to do is be like his dad. Why don't you go out there, and show-" _

_"I said, I don't want him playing." He cut her off again, and looked up at Haley to see her staring back at him. Rage was in her eyes as she shook her head, turning away from him. She walked quickly over to her son, the garbage bag in her hand__. "Baby, come on sweetie, Momma's gotta go to work." With that, Jamie grabbed the ball and ran towards his mom. Nathan looked away, sighing._

He had hated who he was. At that moment he had been ashamed of his life, ashamed of who he was and how he gotten to this point. He hated the life he had been living, and hated the fact that he could only speculate about how it could've been like if he hadn't just have backed off. It was all his fault, and he was to weak to do a thing about it.

**Maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times. ****And I guess I never told you, I'm so happy that you're mine. ****If I made you feel second best, ****I'm sorry. I was blind. **

* * *

She wondered if she should've done something. Was there something she should've have said, somewhere she could have been to change this? Why did her own son need to be fatherless?

Her heart ached when she thought of him. Haley couldn't stand it, just sitting there as she watched her son shoot his basketball. She wondered how much he was hurting, even though he was too young to really show it.

Lucas placed his hand on hers while he sat down at the table with her, and she looked at him, trying to find some hope in his eyes. "How are you doing, Haley?" He asked her; Lucas had just got home from coaching. Lucas hated this: the sad and tired look in Haley's eyes were almost regular, as if they had always been there. It was as if she had been so miserable for so long.

"I can't be like this, Luke," Haley whispered to him, trying to fight the tears from falling out of her eyes. He brought her into his arms, and she let out a cry for help. he was so hopeless. "I am trying to stay strong, for Jamie and for myself, hoping that one day we'll all be a family again. But sometimes believing in that just isn't enough, and it hurts. It really_ really_ hurts," Haley said, the tears streaming down her face. "Did I do something _wrong_? Was I not there?" She asked him, her voice breaking, and he immediately shook his head.

"No. You didn't. You were there, you were there every step of the way, and don't you everblame yourself. You didn't do this, Nathan did. He lost control, and because of that, he lost his dreams, Haley. Not you." He told her, hoping that she would believe him. Lucas got up, going upstairs to change. Haley rubbed her eyes with her hands, and she wiped her tears away. The doorbell rang, and Haley sighed once again, pressing her hands against her legs as if it were the only support. She walked over to the door, turning the knob slightly. Haley's mouth dropped when she saw the man in front of her.

She really couldn't speak. As she tried to, her mouth moved slightly but made no sound. So many emotions were painted in the air as these two people stood across each other for the first time in a month. "Hi." Haley finally spit out. She soon looked away from him, trying to let him not see the tears that were falling from her eyes. Haley hadn't been prepared for this.

He looked so different. Nathan had shaved and cut his hair the way she had always loved it. His image looked years younger, and as they stood at the doorway, the two of them couldn't help but just stare. "Hi." Nathan said back, and she winced when he touched the side of her face, wiping the tears away. Haley stepped back. Did he think that he could just act like this and expect for her to just forgive him? Because she knew she couldn't do that.

"Look, _Haley_.." He said, noticing the push back that he got from her. Nathan knew that she wouldn't forgive him that easily, but hoped that if over time when she saw that he had changed, she would.

"Look, Haley, look!" She mimicked, and the bit of happiness that appeared in her husband's face wiped away. Haley continued to just stare at him, aggravated and sad at the exact same time. He looked down at his feet, almost ashamed. "Are you really going to come in here, see me, and act like everything you said, everything you did doesn't_ matter_?" Haley yelled.

"No, _of course_ not," He whispered to her, and before she could reply, Jamie came running down the hallway. Haley sighed, and immediately wiped her teary eyes. She didn't want Jamie to see Nathan here, now_,_ and she didn't want either of them to see her like this.

"_DADDY_!" Jamie screamed. Haley could only watch painfully as her son jumped into the arms of the person who had been neglecting the two of them the past four months. Anger rushed through her veins as she remembered all the things Nathan had said and done, and she hated the fact that she was just standing there, letting Nathan back into her son's life.

"Hey, Jimmy Jam." Nathan smiled, kneeling down so that Jamie could bring himself into his dad's arms.

"Hey, sweetie," Haley said to her son, interupting them. "Can you go upstairs for a little bit?" She said, trying to put on a happy face for her four year old.

"But, _mommmmy_.." He groaned. "Daddy's here." Jamie added, looking up at his dad who smiled at him.

"I know, baby." She said, ruffling his hair with her hand. "But, Daddy and I need to talk."

"Well, OK_._.." Jamie whined, trying to express as much sadness as his voice could handle. Haley watched as his little body slowly moved down the stairs, sighing with each step he took. Jamie reached the top of the stairs, and Haley focused her eyes on her husband, who was looking right back at her.

**You were always on my mind. **

"What are you doing here?"

"I just want totalk," Nathan told her, begging for one conversation. The truth was that Nathan had no idea Haley was going to be at Luke's. But, she didn't know that.. and he'd rather keep it that way.

"Please. Just hear me out," He said, and after a couple seconds, Haley nodded slowly. "I know I screwed up, alright? I know that it won't probably ever be forgiven. And, hell, I'm surprised that you didn't just slap me right now." Nathan said, laughing slightly to release the nervousness that he had in him.

_Don't give me ideas._

"But, you have no idea how much I'm hurting right now. I realize the mistakes I made, and know that I can't ever take any of it back. I can't have the wife, the son, the love, the feeling that you get when you know that everything is okay. It's all been taken away from me from the things that I've done, and I hate it. I hate it so much. But, I've changed, and I need you to know that." He told her, and Nathan soon sighed.

**Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died.**

**Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied.**

* * *

Tears came to her eyes as she took in the overwhelming words that he said. It had been so hard, the past four months. She had practically died from all the pain she went through. The hell. Even though she knew that she didn't forgive him yet, but if she was ever going to, Haley needed to know if he was going to work for it. The truth was that she needed him, she needed him like she needed oxygen. But, Haley wasn't ready to open her heart like that again, and she wasn't sure if she could bring herself to do so once more.

She stood there, just trying to think. As Nathan continued to wait for a response, it just didn't seem to come. He turned around, as he grabbed for the knob to walk out the door. He didn't want to, but he didn't want to be rejected any more than he already had.

"Nathan," Haley says quickly, not wanting the moment to end. She really didn't know what to do, what do say. But was she going to let him walk away again? Could she let her son live without a father any longer? Would she let her heart be broken for much more?

No. The answer was just.. _**no.**_

**If I made you feel second best, I'm sorry, I was blind. **

He turned back to her, a sadness in his eyes that just shocked Haley. "_Yeah_?" Nathan's voice broke, and Haley's heart ached as she watched his eyes hit the floor beneath him.

"I'm trying to forgive you." Haley whispered back at him, her throat aching as she tried not to cry. Nathan reached out and grabbed Haley, wrapping his arms around her as she sobbed in his chest.

"I _know_ you are." He whispered into her ear fiercly, and she let out another cry.

"I've really missed you." She whispered, her voice breaking as she looked up into his eyes.

"I've missed you, too. Every thing's going to be okay."

They needed this. They needed each other. It would soon hit them that this was what they needed all along.

**You were always on my mind, **

**You were always on my mind.**

* * *


End file.
